The Dreaded Depression

If you've ever had it, depression, you know it's going to attack you when you are at your lowest, it always does, you fight it, it's the fight of your life, then you kind of get used to it and the anxiety and learn to DEAL with it.  It sucks to be on medication, probably for the rest of my life, but I'm willing to take the Xanax, I'm not sure I could live without it, Betty Ford clinic you say, well, maybe someday, but not now.  I actually started having panic attacks at work, I was pulling a heavy object and hurt my back, I felt paralyzed, which in turn caused me to panic which supposedly caused this chemical  release in my brain that caused me to start having anxiety attacks, I honestly thought it was a stroke, I remember the day like it was yesterday, I couldn't speak, I went numb, couldn't walk, it was awful.  They took me to the Hospital, the  plant nurse, I use the term loosely drove me into the ER.  Now bear in mind I thought I was having a stroke and it kept happening all the way to the hospital.  That was probably in the early 90's and to diagnose panic attacks was really hard back then.  They found nothing wrong with me and sent me home, everyday I got worse, couldn't talk on the phone, couldn't get in a car, write a check or pretty much do anything.  My beloved Dr. Beach who knows everything about everything and has since retired, prescribed Xanax for me and I was better in a few hours, that stuff worked for me.  I saw a neurologist that told me I shouldn't have panicked when that happened, I think it cost me about $500 for him to tell me that.  My best friend came to see me and couldn't believe the shape I was in so she is the one who called Dr. Beach, thank God she did.  Bad things go through your mind when you are in that bad of shape, I can tell you.  So FYI if it ever happens to you, get help, it's out there for you. 
You see how I ramble, I go off the subject, jump from one subject to the other like crazy, my better friends can follow me, Gary really can't.  Depression has been knocking on my door for the last year and a half but I'm not letting it in, I try to take a day at a time and do my own thing.  We had a dog for over 5 years that we had to put down, she was so mean and kept getting worse, Gary said no more dogs, well I got a new
dog a few weeks ago, Jax, he is so much company to me, I love him , he keeps me pretty busy.

Every time I don't get a job, one that I think is so menial a kid could do it, I go on a little pity party, you know the story, if nobody feels sorry for you, you feel sorry for yourself.  Then I think, hey, it's their loss, none of these jobs have even been for even $10 an hour. I'm not sure what will happen when my unemployment is gone, I can't remember the time I wasn't making my own money.  I always worked on purpose, just in case, you never know when you will need money of your own, if you  are a woman and don't have your own money you're crazy.  Crazy, I tell you.